Purge.

I made a choice about a year ago to only project positivity into the world. Only speak of the good, the bright and beautiful. Only of my successes--not the struggle it took to get there. I figured that the struggle was Understood, an Unspoken context that the world would know, presume. Maybe I was wrong, maybe it was my own self-denial my own reluctance to admit that I too struggle. Sometimes, Sometimes the fear of ending up alone, the unwillingness to admit your weaknesses and then certainty in the future I'll be home a bit too much.

Still, I think I'm doing pretty well for myself. I mean I am being laid off, but I've applied to Doctorate programs. This was making the best son of a shitty situation. But there is still that uncertainty. I haven't heard back from the programs yet, and I suppose majority of my anxieties from that. Well I am confident that this sucks I want to take, I've been hatching all sorts of alternate plans in my hand.

Overall I am happy, though, that's a choice. I choose every day to project the positivity into the world and for myself. But sometimes when it's hard to sleep, or my anxieties get the best of me I wonder. Did I make the right choices? Does anyone ever know that?

The idea of going back to school, while I'm excited for the research and the opportunity to expand my career, does scare me. Throwing myself back into poverty seems like a foolish choice. But I think in the long run it will be better. I hope.

Then there is the whole dating thing. My last relationship ended on very poor terms. And while I would love to explore the options of a new relationship, I'm not ready. Which is frustrating for me because, eventually I do want The whole picnic fence, kids and wonderful,beautiful American dream. Is it still attainable for me? Or will I, as a woman who has chosen science and academia as my field, have to sacrifice the family and the relationships that I want in favor of my career?

I like to think that I will rise to the challenge. But there are definitely moments of self-doubt, sometimes those moments tend to linger. I feel as if I have to do this on my own, and I think that's one of my biggest flaws, I don't know when to ask for help. I know that having a support system is essential to success, and I know that I have a support system that truly believes in me. It's just that sometimes it's Difficult to get over my own pride, stubbornness, to ask for help when I need it.

For now I'm okay. My future is uncertain, but I have the love of my puppy dog, and my family, and I know that I'm strong smart.

Although I could use a few good luck charms.

Zombies, Oh My.

Since the topic of zombies was constantly being brought up by the zombie enthusiasts in my environmental studies class I did an optional talk/discussion on several of the ways nature has already "zombie-fied" the world a few weeks ago. It of course, included some of the things discussed in this article. That being said, does anyone else worry about how desensitized the world is becoming to everything violent? The popularity of apocalyptic scenarios is a little alarming. The world is terrifying (and awesome) all by itself. Why do we need it to come crashing down around us?

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/12/11/science/parasites-use-sophisticated-biochemistry-to-take-over-their-hosts.html?smid=fb-share

Final exams, semester 1

Final exams this week. I love being on the teacher's side of this. I've been telling people all day that I feel like Gandalf. Anyway, this picture is what happened while giving an exam.

Wish list

Backpacking stuff:
Lightweight single person tent
All season lightweight sleeping bag
Gregory Baltoro 70 hiking pack

House Stuff:
Twin bed frame
Sharp knives
Wii and Zumba game :)

Books!
Cookbooks, especially ethnic cooking and old world baking
Anything on sustainable living, agriculture, and livestock, especially goats!
Peterson field guides
Current general and biology GRE practice books
Reading HG Wells these days

Pet stuff
Doggie boots
Doggie backpack
Small nylabones
Cat furniture
Laser.

Wool socks
Gift cards for clothes: khol's, JCP, torrid, lane Bryant
Earrings

Car survival kit

Seeds.

Board games.

SLR camera

Anything Doctor Who.  (there's a bathrobe. or a tardis for my desk)

You won't get what you want if you don't reach for it.

Kyle DeForrest - "La La Land"

The latest from my incredible younger brother!

Change

There's so much that has changed in the past week I don't even know where to begin. My thesis defense was successful. I'm teaching at Bowling Green State University. Life is awesome, if a bit overwhelming. Found an apartment, moved, started my job. Classes start next week. I've got a million things to do before then. Loose ends to wrap up at Cleveland State. I'm finding that prioritizing very important right now. But I'll get there.

legendary

So, scientific research is amazing.

You work your ass off and hope to figure out some timy bit of information, and when you do you hold it up to the world and say "HEY! Look at what I found!"

And for that moment you know something that no one else in the world ever knew, saw things that no one had ever seen.

Its some kind of powerful.

And then you take that little grain of knowledge and say"Here's why its important. Here's why the world should care."

And in that moment you become legendary, like you're leading humanity into the unknown.

Its awesome.


Working hard to finish. My world is amazing.

I am aged. :)

My 25th birthday is in 11 days.  Woo?  I'm doing pretty well I think, almost done with my master's, have a lead on a good job (teaching!), life right now is mostly hard work and hoping.  I think that's a good place to be, though.  It'd be nice if I didn't need to worry about money so much, but I don't think that really ever ends, for most people that is. Still, this girl dreams.

There are things I need, things I want, and things I think are awesome.  Some things fall into all three categories.  So, here's another wishlist.

 

Seeds.  Especially interesting, old, and "heirloom" seeds.  For all kinds of plants, not just foodstuffs.  Some day I'll have some dirt to put them in, but I like the idea of starting my collection now. 

 

 

 

I need some tools.  I don't own any.  These ones are green, and pretty awesome.  :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A wire basket for the back of my bike would be nice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and and air pump, patch kit, and WD-40? That's be uber useful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some stuff for cleaning my car would be pretty cool too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And of course, I could always use some hiking socks.  :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  If I had the money I'd buy myself an SLR camera kit and a few photography classes so I learn how to use it.  Alas.  Someday. 

 

 

If getting a master's degree was easy, everyone would have one. 


I keep telling myself this. 

Wishlist :)

Welcome to commercial America-- All the christmas ads have got me thinking of some of the things on MY wishlist.  Who knows, maybe some fabulous friend or family member will make a little magic for me.  :)  So here it is:

Seeds :) I'm starting a collection

I ALWAYS Need Socks! Especially wool hiking socks!

Hiking Boots from KEEN

For summer hikes, canoe rides, kayaking, beach/island visits :) 

I really need a futon.