I made a choice about a year ago to only project positivity into the world. Only speak of the good, the bright and beautiful. Only of my successes--not the struggle it took to get there. I figured that the struggle was Understood, an Unspoken context that the world would know, presume. Maybe I was wrong, maybe it was my own self-denial my own reluctance to admit that I too struggle. Sometimes, Sometimes the fear of ending up alone, the unwillingness to admit your weaknesses and then certainty in the future I'll be home a bit too much.
Still, I think I'm doing pretty well for myself. I mean I am being laid off, but I've applied to Doctorate programs. This was making the best son of a shitty situation. But there is still that uncertainty. I haven't heard back from the programs yet, and I suppose majority of my anxieties from that. Well I am confident that this sucks I want to take, I've been hatching all sorts of alternate plans in my hand.
Overall I am happy, though, that's a choice. I choose every day to project the positivity into the world and for myself. But sometimes when it's hard to sleep, or my anxieties get the best of me I wonder. Did I make the right choices? Does anyone ever know that?
The idea of going back to school, while I'm excited for the research and the opportunity to expand my career, does scare me. Throwing myself back into poverty seems like a foolish choice. But I think in the long run it will be better. I hope.
Then there is the whole dating thing. My last relationship ended on very poor terms. And while I would love to explore the options of a new relationship, I'm not ready. Which is frustrating for me because, eventually I do want The whole picnic fence, kids and wonderful,beautiful American dream. Is it still attainable for me? Or will I, as a woman who has chosen science and academia as my field, have to sacrifice the family and the relationships that I want in favor of my career?
I like to think that I will rise to the challenge. But there are definitely moments of self-doubt, sometimes those moments tend to linger. I feel as if I have to do this on my own, and I think that's one of my biggest flaws, I don't know when to ask for help. I know that having a support system is essential to success, and I know that I have a support system that truly believes in me. It's just that sometimes it's Difficult to get over my own pride, stubbornness, to ask for help when I need it.
For now I'm okay. My future is uncertain, but I have the love of my puppy dog, and my family, and I know that I'm strong smart.
Although I could use a few good luck charms.
